Joel Burrows explores the world of MasterClass writing lectures.

The MasterClass writing lectures appear to be worthwhile, if you have a spare $280. Across the internet, it has been advertised as an emerging writer’s paradise. MasterClass claims it has 10-minute lessons on everything from crafting dialogue to publishing a novel. Not only that but these online courses are taught by famous people. Neil Gaiman made a series, Margaret Atwood has one, R.L Stine, Billy Collins, and so on. From an outsider's perspective, this may seem like a cool downloadable classroom. However, from a starving artist’s POV, it makes you want to tear your own hair out.

I, like many emerging writers, don’t have a spare $280. Between groceries, electric bills, and begging giant corporations for money, who could afford to buy this? If I had that kind of money, I’d purchase 140 Kinder Surprises. I mean, I would pay my rent. I would definitely just pay my rent. Ray White, if you’re reading this, know that I love you.

However, I do have a lot of free time and enjoy watching advertisements. And MasterClass does post a lot of ads. Maybe I don’t have to purchase a year-long subscription, I can watch their ‘trailers’ instead. But could I possibly learn this way? Are these famous authors saying practical advice or inspirational gobbledygook? Well, there’s only one way to find out. Yup, that’s right. I watched every MasterClass writing ad, pulled the best quotes, and discovered what these snippets can teach us.

The top ten lessons I learnt are as follows:

1) “Write your villain first.” - Dan Brown

I love this advice. It’s simple and practical. I will therefore write a villain into this piece. His name is Snivelling Breadington. By the end of this article, he will have stolen my family, broken my heart, and eaten my last Kinder Surprise.

Want more? Well, in 2018, Dan Brown did an interviewed for Quartz Magazine. In this article, he discusses his MasterClass and provides his top ten writing tips but for free.

2) “You should probably read all your poems out loud. Dogs are very good to read poetry to.” - Billy Collins.

GIF description: long-faced dog turning the pages of a book

Another solid piece of writing advice. On another note, why isn’t there a Youtube channel dedicated to reading poetry to good doggos? I’d watch the heck out of that.

Want more? Billy Collins has also provided poetry advice in an NPR video series. There’s even a clip entitled, Billy Collins on How to Write Poetry. You can watch the whole playlist right here.

3) “Don't use the expensive olive oil because it's a waste of money.” - Wolfgang Puck

Oops, this isn’t a quote by a wordsmith. It’s by celebrity chef, Wolfgang Puck! However, I think his advice can apply to our writing. You don’t need expensive olive oil to tell a good story. You also may not need Grammarly, a pricey Mac, or any other extravagant fees. 

4) “If you ask me, are you a writer Judy? I'll say no, but I'm a great rewriter.” - Judy Bloom

This is just a fancy way of saying edit your own work. I wonder if she had to rewrite her script to come up with this line.

Want more? To be fair to Judy, she does eloquently explain her practice in a video called The Writing Process: Torture, Typewriters and Editors. At the 3:05 mark, she equates crafting a novel to making a jigsaw from scratch.

5) “Why do giants lose? Because they can't see.” - Malcolm Gladwell

Okay folks, this trailer taught me that MasterClass will sometimes jump off the deep end. A third of this ad is about giants. Gladwell talks about David and Goliath for 39 seconds. But why would he do that? What does this say about writing? How come there’s editing and swelling music obscuring the quote’s true meaning? Well, maybe I should pay a giant company my savings and find out.

Want more? Gladwell clearly explains his process in an interview with the Dorm Room Tycoon podcast. According to the description he “outlines the importance of editing and being self-critical.”

6) “Writing a novel is like driving through the fog with one headlight out. You can't see very far ahead of yourself. But every now and again, the mists will clear.” - Neil Gaiman

I have never written a novel, nor have I driven a car that’s missing a headlight. I’ll therefore defer to the mad lad Neil Gaiman on both of these subjects. I will always wear my seatbelt while writing. I hope that Gaiman can call his mechanic today.

Want more? Niel Gaiman wrote a lovely piece for the NaNoWriMo website. If you’re feeling creatively down or stuck, they could be the words that you need.

7) “You cannot learn how to write drama without writing plays, putting it out in front of an audience, and getting humiliated.” - David Mamet

Wow, that’s a harsh piece of advice. Unfortunately, in my experience, it is also painfully true. I’ve been a playwright for the last eight years and there’s no better tutor than cringe. Watching your mistakes on stage can illuminate stilted dialogue, structural problems, and how to improve. It’s a personalised MasterClass; it can teach you what lessons can’t teach.

Want more? David Mamet also wrote the best writing advice I’ve ever received. In a leaked memo to the writers of The Unit, he explains how to make any scene dramatic. Seriously, click the link, it will change how you write.

8) “From the first brisket in my backyard to 106 briskets every day, I'm also still learning.” - Aaron Franklin

Oh no, how did this get here!? It’s another quote by a famous chef! But is this Aaron Franklin extract useful to us writers? I would argue, absolutely. No matter how many stories you write, there is always more to be learned. And this is fantastic. It frees up beginners to know there isn’t an endpoint. It helps experienced writers strive forward. We are all after all in this brisket business together.

9) “You become a writer by writing.” - Margaret Atwood

I was going to write something cheeky about this quote. However, before I could do so, I was robbed! A man named Snivelling Breadington broke through my window. He put my family into a knapsack. He ate my Kinder Surprise. He then disappeared, from where he once came, and my heart is now be broken forever.

Want more? Margaret Atwood says some great advice in a video called, Margaret Atwood’s Top Five Writing Tips.

GIF description: Margaret Atwood saying 'Not everybody's going to like your work and if they do, you're doing something wrong.'

10) “You already know how to do it.” - James Patterson

Well, that’s a bit relieving yet disappointing. Firstly, it’s great to now know I’m already a brilliant, near-perfect author. But on the other hand, this advice is attacking my list. If I already knew how do it, what’s the point of these trailers? What’s the point of a MasterClass? Why did I watch them if I always knew how to write?

Want more? James Patterson breaks down how to write an amazing outline for the Build Series. His advice is pragmatic; it taught me a skill I didn’t inherently know.

And there you have it, the writing advice from the MasterClass trailers. So, what did I learn from this nonsense? Well, I was pleased to discover a bunch of practical writing tips. A lot of these authors know how to write and can explain their practice to an audience. However, I also discovered that every MasterClass writer has advice online that is free. These artists are so prolific, have done so many great interviews, that it is possible to work out their process. If you Google, “[insert famous author here] writing tips”, you’ll probably find what you’re looking for. 

Moreover, I learnt that some cooking quotes are better than inspirational art speak. This demonstrates that you can learn how to write in unexpected places and by being curious. These chef quotations also highlight the MasterClass price-tag. If a brisket ad talks more about learning than some of the authors they paid, that’s immediately a red flag. After all, I’m a starving artist, you’d think I’d want the master class meal.